“Ghing, the federation president asked me your number and I gave it to him,” our pastor said “he saw you the time he visited our church and he keep on asking me about you. “ our pastor added. He was then in our place to get the tithes and offerings from my mom who’s a church treasurer.
“Ows? Who’s that federation president pastor?” I asked him frowning.
This scene happened more than 4 years ago. I was not an active Adventist youth then. I never attended any youth activities in our district or in our federation. I became curious about this guy and the activities they always had in SAYF (Sarangani Adventist Youth Federation). The first time I met him, I wasn’t attracted to him. Months later, the SAYF had a fellowship somewhere at the bottom part of the Mindanao and I joined them. That was the time I started to know about this guy. This was also the time I started to participate in the youth’s programs and activities.
We became friends. I remember every moment this guy and I had. I appreciate his leadership, his relationship to God and to his family and everything in him. He’s an ideal man, good leader, an active church member, a responsible son and a really good person.
We see each other every fellowship, church activities, youth’s programs, meetings and seminars within Southern Mindanao Mission. After a year, I concluded that I am already in love with this guy. Well, I think I was. But I should stop and step back for he already has a girlfriend. His girlfriend was not Adventist and I know he wanted to have an Adventist girlfriend.
I struggled for my feelings for him. For years, I prayed to God to take away my feelings for him. I know him very well; his strengths, weaknesses and even the unacceptable side of him. I can’t forget the time he said that he loves me and if he’s just single and available, he’ll court me even if I will reject him. I also remember the time I asked him to choose between me and his girlfriend, of course, he chose his girlfriend. How foolish of me! He’s actually emotionally abusive! I cried a million times just because of him. The more I tried to stay away from him, the more I think of him! I even accept suitors, dated many men, had boyfriends, but my heart beats only for him. Nobody can replace him.
There were times I questioned God why He let me experienced such pain in my heart. I blamed Him for my heartaches. I can not concentrate in doing His work for we always see each other in every youth’s activities, and my mind only focused on Him. I was mean right? Then I prayed sincerely to God to take away this stupid feelings I have for him. There wasn’t a night I forget to pray about it. The pain in my heart has been eating me and it affected everything. My friends and pastors around us knows about it. I am so ashamed of myself for having that feelings.
One summer night at the Youth Crusade, I saw him with another girl. That girl was not his girlfriend but a close friend who also like him. I don’t like that girl. I super dooper really hated that girl! Why? Maybe because I think, she must also stay away from him the way I do because he has a girlfriend and it seems like we are cheating his girlfriend. To think that she is also a girl like us! But I wanted to be nice to her so I went to the girl, talked to her and we shook hands as if there’s nothing going on between us. (I never hate his girlfriend because she is the original, only that girl because we have the same situaton.)
From then, I never care about them. We sometimes see each other but since I asked God for help, and have decided to serve God, I was able to keep my mind (if not my heart) in the right track.
God never failed me. Now, I realized, He uses my painful experiences to mold me into a better person. If I was not tested by my feelings for him, I am not who and what I am now. I will not be in the ministry if not because of him who became my inspiration and who helped me to become closer to God.
I could now say, I’m over him. Thank God for using him.